Well, it's official, the Duke Lung Transplant Program is sending me home. The team decided that I am now too well for transplant. I actually found out several days ago but have been trying to process what this means to me. I've never been so full of conflicting emotions in my life. When they said it was time for me to relocate, every fiber of my being was putting on the brakes. I didn't want to go. But now that I'm here and I've put in all the work with rehab, classes, and oh the tests, I just want to get it over with.
But therein lies the problem. I have done everything needful and was at the "listing stage" so things needed to go one way or the other. The doctors felt like doing a transplant at this time may be doing me a disservice by possibly shortening my life. If I can get more life out of these old lungs, then the transplant will extend my life longer since there are no guarantees with transplant that everything will go well. So they have cancelled all my upcoming appointments, taken away my transplant coordinator, and scheduled me for a recheck in December. I'm to contact them if problems arise before that time.
Knowing how hard this has all been makes it difficult in some ways to think about coming back to face it all again. Even though now I would know what to expect, I now know too much. It's hard to explain how I feel. I will just have to take the secure thought, "you've done it once, you can do it again even if its hard." Oh, but I don't want to.
So back home I go--but wait! Even that can't be simple. Fort Collins is currently experiencing the worst wildfire in Colorado state history. My lovely town is awash in smoke. I definitely don't want to go home and have those conditions undo everything I've done to get better. With all the smoke in the air, I won't know if the altitude or the smoke is to blame for an increased need of O2. So the plan now is to drive home, drop stuff off, and head to Idaho to spend some time with my parents in cleaner air.
And then there is the whole "I already said goodbye" thing to face. Parties, fundraisers, and well wishers all giving me a grand send off. I feel more than a little sheepish showing back up with nothing changed. Oh can you see how my mind is in such a scramble of emotions??!!
Well I could go on and on and I probably will in posts not yet written. But for now I need to remember to "trust in the Lord and lean not upon my own understanding." That is the hardest part of this--I just want to know how things will turn out and when and why did it start out this way. That is the worst part of my good news.