Monday, June 18, 2012

The worst good news...

Well, it's official, the Duke Lung Transplant Program is sending me home.  The team decided that I am now too well for transplant.  I actually found out several days ago but have been trying to process what this means to me.  I've never been so full of conflicting emotions in my life.  When they said it was time for me to relocate, every fiber of my being was putting on the brakes.  I didn't want to go.  But now that I'm here and I've put in all the work with rehab, classes, and oh the tests, I just want to get it over with.

But therein lies the problem. I have done everything needful and was at the "listing stage" so things needed to go one way or the other.  The doctors felt like doing a transplant at this time may be doing me a disservice by possibly shortening my life.  If I can get more life out of these old lungs, then the transplant will extend my life longer since there are no guarantees with transplant that everything will go well.  So they have cancelled all my upcoming appointments, taken away my transplant coordinator, and scheduled me for a recheck in December.  I'm to contact them if problems arise before that time.

Knowing how hard this has all been makes it difficult in some ways to think about coming back to face it all again.  Even though now I would know what to expect, I now know too much.  It's hard to explain how I feel.  I will just have to take the secure thought, "you've done it once, you can do it again even if its hard."  Oh, but I don't want to.

So back home I go--but wait!  Even that can't be simple.  Fort Collins is currently experiencing the worst wildfire in Colorado state history.  My lovely town is awash in smoke.  I definitely don't want to go home and have those conditions undo everything I've done to get better.  With all the smoke in the air, I won't know if the altitude or the smoke is to blame for an increased need of O2.  So the plan now is to drive home, drop stuff off, and head to Idaho to spend some time with my parents in cleaner air.

And then there is the whole "I already said goodbye" thing to face.  Parties, fundraisers, and well wishers all giving me a grand send off.  I feel more than a little sheepish showing back up with nothing changed.  Oh can you see how my mind is in such a scramble of emotions??!!

Well I could go on and on and I probably will in posts not yet written.  But for now I need to remember to "trust in the Lord and lean not upon my own understanding."  That is the hardest part of this--I just want to know how things will turn out and when and why did it start out this way.  That is the worst part of my good news.


  1. Hi Sherri (and Rheid)! This is totally unexpected news, but like you, we know that the Lord is guiding your path and wherever that path leads, it will be what is intended to be the best for you!

    We miss you and continually pray for you! We enjoy seeing Josh out and about with your cute little dog (whose name is on the tip of my tongue right now, but I can't seem to remember it right now for the life of me...) and look forward to seeing you both again when the opportunity for a reunion presents itself.

    So many are fighting the fire and we hope it will soon be tempered. I thought of you yesterday at church when it smelled like we were holding meetings with camp fires right next door. It's a blessing for you that you are not here now with such poor air quality!

    Take special care!

  2. We love you and we are rooting for you however things may work out. We had some kinda similar awkwardness when our adoption fell through and we didn't know what to do with our fundraiser moneys, we just set it aside with the thought that we may be using it sometime in the future and if we don't we can pass it on to someone who needs it. What crazy emotions, hang in there!

  3. I don't know what to say; I'm thankful that I have more unexpected time with my cousin; that maybe now I can get to Colorado or Idaho to see you and spend time with you... On the other hand I can't even imagine how hard this decision, the move, all the work you have done has been. I can say I have never had a better role model; you have always amazed me that no matter what life throws at you your wonderful sense of humor isn't far behind. I always wished I could be more like you. I know I've told you, but the scripture you mentioned is the only one I remember from my seminary days; not sure why....maybe because I have to use it a LOT!! Love you. Charlene

  4. Sherri, with the fire here I've thought of you often and how blessed you have been to not be here breathing all this smoke and ash. As Sims said, this is totally unexpected news...makes me think that God definitely does work in mysterious ways. May He continue to bless you!

  5. Sherri, What a blow! bummer, blat, crap and @#%%&***!

    I know, just as you and your wonderful support group have already mentioned. that trusting in the Lord is what we have to do. Thank you for your example. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Tell your folks Hi from me. Have a relaxing time in Idaho.

    Love you,

    1. Sherri, when I wrote my first reply, I misread your post. (results of multi-tasking). At first, I thought, Oh no! that is not a blow, that is good. This is wonderful news!!!!???? Conflicting, now I understand. Boy, it is not just trust in the Lord that is important, but a LOT of patience. Still a "BLAT".

  6. Sherri, I can't help but think that perhaps the Lord was trying you, to see just how hard you were willing to work to be healthy, to have lungs that work right, etc, etc. Now that He sees how serious you are about all this, and with all the prayers being offered in your behalf, He decided that now is the time to heal you without having to have the risky lung transplant. God bless you! I am so excited that you are coming home and will be my neighbor again!

  7. Big hugs, my friend. I know you well enough to know that even with the conflicted emotions, you are already looking for and finding the blessings of this adventure.

    Sure love you!

  8. Lame! Zanderbeak is my daughter. She forgot to sign out and/or I forgot to sign in!

    This is actually Tracie. :) LOL

  9. Not sure whether to be glad or annoyed on your behalf. Either way, glad you're feeling better. I think of you often!