Friday, June 28, 2013

I can see clearly now...

Hallelujah!!!  The glasses are here!  Good riddance to bad rubbish I say.  I had my second cataract surgery on Tuesday and now I can see out of both eyes.  Walking around for two weeks with one eye fixed and on the mend while the other eye was seeing, well...nothing actually, was annoying beyond words.  But now the left eye received it's surgical attention and I think I am on my way to great vision without glasses or contacts.  It has been so awesome opening my eyes in the morning and being able to see!  Gone is "blob world" where I dwelt until I patted down the nightstand and headboard trying to feel for where I left my glasses the night before.  It's a whole new way to look at life.

Unfortunately other places in my life are lacking clarity right now.  I was hospitalized a little over two weeks ago because of heavier bleeding in my lungs.  The doctors decided to go in and embolize the problem vessel.  They ended up repairing the previous embolized spot and 3 other places in my lungs that looked menacing.  But I was home for just a two days and to my utter frustration I began to bleed again (although not as heavily thankfully.)  I was hoping for a year or more of relief, like I experienced before, from the constant worry of springing a leak every time I cough.  But it was not to be.

Ever since the procedure, I have felt heaviness in my chest and the sensation/feeling that I get when a bleed starts. It's been very stressful.  I also felt like I wasn't breathing as well afterwards but they thought it was probably from the sedation and not doing active airway clearance for a few days.  Well, I went for a check-up on Monday and my pft's are back down to 23%.  So discouraging.  So after waiting for cultures to grow out, they started me on two home IV's.  These aren't the big guns since they want to keep my kidneys happy and I don't have a full blown exacerbation (not coughing all the time, etc).  They are hoping that this little hit will clear out the pseudomonas enough to help me breathe easier.  Hoping this isn't my "new normal" thanks to the procedure.

With all of this hullabaloo my exercising/rehab has taken a hit.  I couldn't see to drive over to the Center plus I was worried that I would cough and start bleeding and then I'd be in a real pickle.  I've been using my treadmill sporadically and I can tell that I've lost ground.  All of this has brought my anxiety to the forefront and that makes me even more frustrated.  I'm afraid that Duke will want me to relocate once they see me in July.  I so much wanted my reprieve from transplant to last longer.  I'm trying to remember that everything is in God's hands and to trust in Him and His timing.  Just some days it is so hard to see His plan.